Another chapter

Jeg har alltid vært glad i å skrive, men nå har jeg ikke skrevet noe på utrolig lenge. Derfor satt jeg meg ned og begynte på et essay. Kan like godt legge det ut her, siden det ikke skal brukes i skolesammenheng. Det er kun fantasi, ikke basert på noe;)



A warm light tickles me, waking me up softly to a bright, sunny morning. Rays of sun peaks through the curtains, giving the room a golden glow. When I try to look at the sky I catch a glimpse of a clear,blue sky. It's going to be a beautiful day, and it makes me smile knowing that I will spend it with the one person I love the most. I stretch in bed,making satisfied cat sounds before I turn to you.

You are still sleeping, so peacefully, with a little smile on your lips. You lay on your side, your arms a little stretched out as you were trying to hold me. I can see your chest slowly moving, you must feel safe with me. A smile has unoticably firmed on my lips and my heart feels like bursting out of love for you. Is there anything more beautiful in the world? Almost shyly I move closer to you, afraid to wake you up from your pleasant sleep. My hand longs to touch you, God I'm dying to feel your skin even if we've slept as close as possible most of the night.
Your face is so close to mine now that I feel your breath on me. Slow,warm and steady breaths of life carressing my face. I breathe you into me, biting my lips and trying to keep myself from pulling you so tight.

Lovingly I gaze at your heavenly face. You look so innocent and pure, like an angel when you lay like this. I lean even closer to you, ready to kiss you softly, and I see you part your lips just a little, knowing you've felt me too. My heart beats faster, my stomach fills up with butterflies like it does every time we kiss like this, and I feel your arm around my waist. Pulling me closer to you, wanting my kiss as much as I want yours. I breathe heavy, closing my eyes to feel you with every inch of my body and.. The hand on my back holds me harder. It turns cold and hard like stone, and I can feel that it's no longer a hand but a claw, piercing through my skin, leaving bleeding wounds on my body. I twist to get out of the deadly grip, but I can't fight it cuz it grips even harder around me making me gasp out of pain. It starts to drag me down, into the bed that has turned into a black hole. You are looking at me with pain filling your expression, your arm stretched out to pull me back to you, but I can't lift my arms to reach you. The claw has my back arched in pain and my arms pulled hard, back behind me. Helpless I let out a silent scream as your face fades infront of me and darkness surrounds me completely.

I wake up. No, no, no, no, no! Pleease don't let this happen! Tears stream down my face instantly, knowing that my nightmare is real. I look out the window first, afraid to look beside me. True enough,the sun is shining, but it's cold, grey and hard, burning in my eyes when I try to look at it. The warmth is gone, leaving an ice cold blanket of fear over me. I have to look, just to be sure, maybe this WAS just an awful nightmare after all. Slowly I turn my head with my eyes pressed closed, my heart racing uncontrolably and chills running up my spine. I swallow the thorn in my troath and open my eyes to feel the last shade of hope fade from my soul. You're not there.. You actually left me this time. The moment is frozen as I stare at your pillow, trying desperately to see something that isn't there anymore. Your hair that I love running my fingers through, your soft lips, your beautiful skintone, your perfect ears and nose, your heavenly body and those amazing eyes that I love drowning in.. I can't fight the tears and let them stream down my face,feel the salty rivers stinging my cheeks. I pull the blanket tighter to me, as to shield me from the pain. My hands clench to it so hard that my knuckles turn white. The minutes pass without me moving a single muscle, I am frozen in the extreme pain flooding my body. I have to get out of this bed..

Carefully I step out of the bed, only to feel my body shaking violently. I'm not trusting my weak legs to keep me up, so I support myself with my hand on the nightstand. I feel like falling down immediately, but I force myself to walk to the bathroom. The chill has taken roots in the depth of my bone marrow, and it seems like my blood is frozen in my veins. The sound of the hot water filling up the bathtub gives me an odd, reminicent feeling, as if I feel like I'm drowning right in this moment. I step in the bathtub, carefully not to slip on the slithery bottom. The hot water burns my cold skin, leaving it red and sore. Slowly I let the water cover me, all of my body from my toes to my shoulders. I lay in the tub,lowering myself even more til all of me is under water.

The world looks different seen from underwater; everything is floating, unsteady, like in a dream. The few sounds that reaches me are hollow when I hear them now. The edges are gone, no piercing, loud sounds to rupture my eardrums. Just the hollow, round sounds that blend in with the water. It feels like a fantasy, like a secret world that can take away my pain because feelings seize to exist here. It's only time, slowly passing into eternity. I want to stay here, but I feel that I'm running out of oxygen. My lungs pray for me to fill them with fresh air, but I challenge myself, put my body to the test. How long can I take? How long can you survive without something as crucial as air? My hands open and close, my body twists, but I don't let myself breathe. A little longer.. The pressure builds up in my lungs, filling me up, treathening to explode in my head. The pain is intense and I feel the water splash around me as my legs unwillingly try to fight me up to the surface. No..not..yet..

An intense rush fills my head as instinct takes over and pushes me up to the oxygen my lungs have desperately been craving for..2 minutes and 38 seconds. That's how long I managed without air. Until my body was about to give up. Don't you know you are my air? Unless my heart gives in it might not physically kill me to be without you, but mentally..Emotionally..I already feel dead inside. I get out of the bathtub, my body is still trembling. The freezing feeling is still hanging on to me, but I clench my teeth together and let the water drip off of me instead of wrapping myself in a towel. I stand infront of the mirror, looking at my own reflection. My skin is white, more pale than ever before, almost translucent as I can see shades of my veins underneath the thin layer of tissue that protects my flesh. My face is a sickening tone of grey, with dark blue rings circling under my eyes. My eyes have lost all color, all of the vibrancy and life you've brought me through our years together. What does it matter? You are not here to say that I'm beautiful anymore. You are not going to say how you love the way I look when I'm still wet from the shower. That you love kissing me like this, feeling my body so close to you. What does it matter? I see a silent tear run slowly down my face.
I hate you. I say to myself.

I brush my hair, and make a failed attempt to cover how dead I feel with make-up. Getting dressed takes less time than ever before as I dont even recognize what I put on. To my surprise I've managed to dress alright considering my mind being on autopilot. But I don't really care. I could wear a black plastic bag and it wouldnt make a difference. You were always so complimentive. You never forgot to call me beautiful,pushing my confidence through the roof. I loved hearing you say that you loved my style. Always being honest, saying what you liked when I asked, as well as what you didn't like. I loved trusting you, I loved feeling beautiful with you.
I drag myself down to eat, but I feel the stomach acid pressing closer to my mouth and I give up on trying to eat anything. A glass of ice cold water cools down my burning troath, but it feels uncomfortable in my empty stomach.. I've felt like a zombie for the last 15 minutes, numbing myself to be able to function to a certain degree, but now the immense pain shakes through my body and makes me collapse on the kitchen floor. Am I having a heart attack? I can't stand up, I sink down on the floor with pain crashing down on me, smashing me like an insignificant bug to the wooden floor. I cry out loud for you, begging you to come back to me.. There is no way I can ignore this pain so I let myself think back at what you said.

"I'm not happy with you. The one day that I feel happy you bring me down again. Is that how it's supposed to be? Is the one person you love the most supposed to bring you down when you finally are feeling good for once? You don't even know me anymore. You don't read me, see my signs. Thank you, for making me feel this way. I really did feel happy before we talked." The words cut through all the layers of skin and flesh and straight into my bones. I was crying, I couldn't keep it inside and my tears flowed freely as I begged and begged for you to stay. My pride flew out the window as I got down on my knees and tried to hold on to you. The contradictions fill me up to the limit where I feel like throwing up again. You said I love you too much. Too much. Love you too much. If there was one thing I was proud of, it was how you showed me how to love. You taught me how to give my heart, all of it, and I loved feeling how I was for the first time in my life able to give. It made me feel happy, proud, like a good girlfriend. But a good girlfriend wouldn't bring you down. She wouldn't talk about the things you wanted to forget. Pick at the wounds you wanted to ignore. Even if my intensions were the best I still failed at making you happy. I've always wanted to fix everything. To find solutions and work things out, because I've wanted you to feel the best. Everytime you were hurting, I hurt too. My heart was aching and so many times I cried because I knew you were in pain. Even the times you didnt tell me. I've never felt anyone so strong before.. And all I wanted was to share your burdens, take some of your pain. Help you work through things as you tended to push it away instead. But it was too much.. I tell myself over and over again to break my spirit even further. You hurt him. You made him sad. And he needed you to keep him up.. You don't even deserve to be with him.. My voice echoes in my head, louder and louder til the extreme headache almost makes me pass out. Stumbling my way to my bed I pray to God to give me another chance. To prove that I'm worth it. Please, I beg you.. Then I fall asleep..Exhausted and scared, hurled up in a little ball to keep the darkness away.

In the middle of the night I wake up. My eyes stare out in the cold,dark room that doesn't even look like my own anymore. The light feels so weird, its yellowish and hard, casting unnatural shadows everywhere around me. All of a sudden I get so frightened and I hold around myself,shaking and trembling as my eyes stare blankly but intense out in the room. I can't let my eyes rest on anything, I feel so on guard and my eyes stare restlessly at one place for a few seconds before shifting to another place. What am I scared of? I'm all alone, and no sounds can be heard except for a few cars now and then, and none of them close to me. I hold myself harder, biting my lips and crying without even noticing it. What scares me so much? I realize I'm not scared of anything else. I'm scared of me. I'm deadly scared of being alone without you. Being alone never bothered me.. But now I can't stand it anymore. I miss your breath on my neck, your arms carefully holding me, hard but gentle,and always protecting. Where are you kisses in my hair? Why don't you bury your nose my hair and breathe me in like you always do and whisper softly in my ear that you love how I smell? Where are you now?

Being without you kills me. Every minute feels unbareable, and no thought sooths me. I can't get a second of rest without torturing myself with guilt of driving you away. I feel unloveable, yet I know that only YOU can love me like you did. I want to feel that again, I need to. Maybe I love you too much.. Maybe you were right. But this is the only way I can love truly. Unconditionally. It's how you make me feel. And I love loving you, my heart is just not willing to let go.. It breaks me in so many pieces just thinking about letting go. I miss making you smile.. I miss the sound of your laughter, the scent of your skin, looking into your beautiful eyes, the way we stayed liplocked when we went to bed. I miss the way we could talk about everything, and they way we trusted each other. God, I miss how I knew you always listened to me, and how I felt U knew that I listened to you as well. I miss making you happy, damn it. I want you to feel safe with me again. Let me hold you, please? I don't want this pain etching through my soul. There is noone else who can take your place in my heart.

God, please come back to me, baby.

I love you.

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